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Close but absolutely no cigar. Maybe sausage will lend you a cigar though. OK BYE.

Because this is my account I sometimes read on, and I couldn’t hold back trolling Welsh Lisa, but really felt I had to address the fact that some noncey t is bragging that they have access to thousands of photos of children on my Insta. Don’t worry, I’m not coming back either but just wanted...

They must have been really fing bored, screenshotting photos of slimming world meals, wax melts, PHOTOS OF CHILDREN AND BABIES, cats, rainbows and did I mention photos of BABIES AND CHILDREN? Is your mate a nonce?

Lisa; Spiders up yer bum. Spiders up yer bum.

Lisa, I once again hope you encounter a terrifying Australian spider today, and it eats your Walmart nighty.

Lisa, I hope you had a very interrupted sleep, involving Australian spiders crawling across your feet, and a rowdy kangaroo tail-thumping your window incessantly through the night.

I’ll personally ensure to comment on it daily to make sure it’s never closed, because you simply cannot command that a post is closed just because you like wearing face masks, Lisa.

Oh please, gosh, no.

He is reporting someone saving a public photograph? Do please eavesdrop in and record that telephone conversation when he makes the report. I am thoroughly invested in the snickering that will be heard from the policeman on the other end.

First of all, liar. Secondly, this. You are nowhere near 57? If this photo was actually you, and was taken almost 5 years ago to the day, for your 50th birthday, then you are very much approaching 57, you little husband snatcher.

Forgive my rudeness for not introducing myself. I have previously just been an avid reader. My name is Cloud, I am a model from London and I have recently got back from a magical honeymoon with my better half. We went to California 💕Here is my favourite snap from the trip. Lovely to meet you...

Because not everyone wants to insert their head inside that said chlamydia bucket, like you do.

Oh forgive me, you are right! Skanky Lisa from Wales wears cheapo Walmart nightshirts! Not very Versacé, is it, you two-bob hussy?

All that supposed money, Looby L, and you can’t afford a hairdresser to cut you a straight fringe? And those Temu pyjamas are fooling nobody, you big old w.