Yes - you are saying the insults, the jokes and stuff like that about yourself because you are fearful that’s what others are thinking or are going to say to you think if you get there first, it won’t hurt as much when or if it happens, you are protecting yourself in the only way you know how, but I promise you that you are none of those things and I know all of us on here aren’t thinking any of those thing either - I know I can only really speak for myself but like you say you get to know these anonymous people, you pick up their vibes and their personality.I don't know why but this has made me cry (and yes I feel pathetic saying that..my view)
It's taking me a while to write as a result.
I literally burst into tears...probably because know u are right. My self-esteem is in it's boots and I guess I hide behind joking and trying to be funny to mask it. (As many of us probably do)
I think..for me.. it's a self-protection mechanism I do...i think I do it a lot off group in my life. Like I will say what i think everyone may be thinking so I'm agreeing or owning it..if that makes sense!
I also think because of A's toxic traits...I and prob others are worried they will come across like her so over explain and apologise.
I've been this way for a long time...from my childhood and everything that happened from trauma and the most un-maternal mother! Then staying in that marriage for 20 years..then healing fir 5 years but then ending up in another toxic relationship is just ridiculous. I'm torn tbh cuz I am realising what the last 2 years have done to me but on the other hand i miss him...which is ridiculous. In a shallow way...i miss the affection and closeness that was there some of the time.
Today..thinking I cudnt get back on group and catastrophising and over reacting...completely threw me. I guess I need the group and you all more than i realised (sobbing again)
The connections made, mutual support and care goes beyond my hate for A.
I guess I need to be liked and accepted more than I realised.
Many would relate to this..but it makes you think..why am I not enough for people to like/love for who I am. To betray...get taken advantage of or wanted for the wrong reasons.
I am def a little do up and I'm very aware of my demons but I am a very genuine, honest and caring person naturally and anyone that knows me would agree. My mouth gets me in trouble sometimes. It just leaves u vulnerable I guess.
All that fing therapy and u are back to square 1. Like what is the thought..the fear...emotion..evidence for feeling that etc etc.. I find it very difficult 'in the moment' to get clarity.
My daughter does a lot for me in a practical sense and loves me in her own way I think.. but can be very critical and brutal and it hurts. She knows I have her back and always has but she is not one for kind words or cuddles. Not sure why. Birthdays and Xmas cards bring me to tears what she says in them (nice things) but she can't articulate them like I can.
I also think he (partner) isolated me from a lot of people so I cud give him everything all the time and now I feel alone. I have sone amazing work colleagues/friends of varying ages and they are so supportive and emotionally mature but u just don't want to be a burden. I am always there for all of them too..whether it's advice, a hug, check in messages or examinations lol.
Telling an overthinker not to overthink is never gonna work as u know yourself.
I appreciate your lot and for this message.
It had an instant emotional/physical reaction which I think was the release I probably needed.
I promise everything I say is the truth and from the heart and you are completely right about talking daily for months. We are all anonymous but most of us can seek out the good hearted genuine people on here.
I don't think I have used the word sorry in this rambling message but I have been a pain..panicking and over reacting etc today and i need to own my s.
Anyway...thank you. It really does mean a lot. I've given myself the predictable headache from getting upset but I prob needed a good cry. I have been doing a lot better with regards to him and no contact as the triggers have reduced.
Thank youxxx
And with your daughter, one thing I had to learn in life I still struggle to this day is “stop looking for you in other people” the moral to that is, people are good at different things you are good at showing emotion and love and care whereas she is more able to by physically helping rather than showing affection with words, hugs etc. doesn’t mean she loves you any less, just that she shows it differently to what you would.
And it isn’t therapy down the drain, that therapy helped you get out this time you spotted the signs and you left, your last experience lasted way longer whereas this one is hardly any time at all when you compare the two.
You will get there nosey, just be kind to yourself, take a breath.
And it’s good that you find comfort here, I hope we can continue to be that for you.
All of us panicked when we first couldn’t post and found it hard to then adjust you are not alone on that, you just joined after we’d all calmed down, we had the exact same reaction as you.
I’m sorry I made you cry but I know it wasn’t a hurt cry. I think it was just a release that you needed.
I’m sorry if I’ve missed parts, I tried my best I did read every single word and I know telling an over thinker not to overthink doesn’t stop it, I’m an over-thinker also so sorry about that part I could have worded that better, I just don’t want you to beat yourself up with thoughts that none of us are thinking
Hugs nosey
Love and hugs to u and your family. 
sending lots of love 
and reading how you are feeling has made me sad. It is 3am and my eyes have gone (not to to back of me ead! 
) as in blurry so I am going to reply properly tomorrow 
xx
had a nightmare night, came up in rashes all over and so itchy. Now I have huge lumps that have appeared on my forehead 
taken some piriton which has eased it a bit. Mostly pissed off with all the sores, lumps and bumps ahead of my holiday...most unattractive 🫤
I always show affection to him as I didn't grow up with any but you'd think it was him that had my upbringing the way he is 
now I know people might say, how do you know that ....you can just tell and you are worth a million and don't settle for anything, so miss him, mourn him but you've done the hard bit! Stay strong 
