@RosieJo and
@Standupifyouhateaimee thought i would reply to u both in one for this as no point writing same update twice.
Glad your training was good and worth it. Makes a big difference when u are passionate about something and u feel it will benefit u...and patients.
Are you ok twinnie?
I didn't sleep either...well for short periods and kept sitting up. Also hot and busy head. It was hard getting up this morning and I blame this on not realising until lunchtime I had forgot to put a bloody bra on! Very random
not sure why other than not being with it. I came home and asked my daughter...can u tell what's different about me..her reply...ur tits are saggy! Made me laugh tbh and thought...Well at least she notices me.
If I'm honest...which i always am... i have an overwhelming feeling of sadness about the whole thing. I obv had my part to play but other than feeling bad if I upset some, I still feel a lot of that was unnecessary and mean from the offset. Maybe coming from someone more familiar to me and later on in a less blunt fashion...i think i would have took it much better. I've taken advice off here. For a start i left that toxic relationship which a few of you told me I should do. It was the right advice but inside i struggled at times with my feelings but alot put it in perspective for me and I valued that.
I have tried not to go over to the other thread but wud be lying if I said I hadn't. It's partly out of habit and to see A pics and videos (which i no longer can anyway) but also cuz I'm a t and rubbing salt in my wounds.All it's done is made me feel more hurt tbh. I know they are mentioning this thread and ppl talking about the situation but they are also talking about me indirectly and not in a positive way about the situation that occurred.
Clearly everyone believes im just a nutcase and am
to blame. I take part blame for my emotive and harsh reactions if thats what they were but I have apologised for that many times including the person in question. I never did see the apology from them but its irrelevant now.
I do believe that some are valued more than others and I know many have said this isn't the case and don't like it being said but it's prob cuz they are included in the 'popular ones' so wudnt see it/affect them directly. There are lots of watchers on there who prob dont want to comment..get that! but it's sad if some are indirectly or directly feel less included. It's like being in the 'it crowd at school' or not.
I actually didn't mean any offence to anyone when i said about not trusting what ppl have said to me if they liked that horrible reply i got (and it was horrid..anyone should have seen that and stood up..apart from Rosie) i was hurt and confused ppl cud or wud like or even love that post. It was vile. One of the ppl I offended..i actually really liked and was more hurt from.
I stand by what i say when no one likes to hear others talking about them..myself included but its goes both ways and it has continued in a detrimental way about me and what happened. I haven't been specific about names really but if u think it's about u.. it is kind of thing. I don't feel there is any guilt or remorse from anyone over there for their words..ones I thought gave a s about me (I'm a deluded t)
What I will say is I did jump on Lurkey and let it all out to her how I felt. Not about her but the poster. I did prob take it out on her and that was wrong and i said sorry and meant it. If you see this Lurkey then that's my genuine thoughts.
Im my head..at the time in particular, I feel you immediately jumped to the defence of the other user and continued that defence and i felt devalued at the time I was replying so my responses prob gave u the hard time which isn’t fair but I feel it wasn't fair playing down how I felt
when at that time u didn't know which TT I was referring to. That other post stood out differently and it shocked me. My irrational head was saying my family will see it and ppl only care about telling me it's my fault.(which I accept is the truth)
I've always supported and looked out for you Lurkey. If someone did or say anything that bothered or upset u..i wud not think of invalidating how u were feeling and jumping to other users defence. I wud prob come on later and comment something which I often did. I never jumped on the person who may hv done it either.....
It's not childish to say how hurt u are by things or to have your say or continue to do so.
None of that crap had happened with me before on there. Does that not count for something. I've never been horrible to anyone or not included them. If I have been..then I'm mortified.
I feel if that poster hadn't have swept in with their original blunt and insensitive reply to my post then none of this wud have happened. I wudnt have been so triggered and worked up. So when Lurkey started replying to me..there was no talking to me...from anyone really. I was calming down a little and had apologised and then that completely unnecessary reply came in and blew me away. Would anyone else liked to have been in the receiving end of that?
Whether I was complicit I'm the whole thing or not...it really has hurt and upset me..deeply. i feel betrayed and now mocked and my situation discussed openly in a derogatory way. Being in the midst of it and it not affecting any of them..they won't see the issue but it fing hurts!
I said before...it was the group I didn't know I needed. 🥹
Also to mock the way myself and twinnie sign off from each other is testament to the mean person they are. Nothing and I mean nothing was caring about that original response to me whether they are deluded or convinced themself and others that it was. Admitted they are blunt and it may have come across blunt and others said as much but that was all forgotten and retracted...how genuine or credible is that user then...
The first part about not giving the TT user the satisfaction of reacting...I got and accepted...the blunt part after was unnecessary at that moment imo.
Actually.. i do believe I mentioned in my original post which post had upset me and why.
End of the day...I accept have shared too much specific detail from my personal life on here and agree that is my fault.
Ive admitted I get anxious, catastrophise, overthink, emotionally react etc...I've been like that from the offset and u hv all seen that. Suddenly I'm the worst person in the world and my apologies, worries, feelings and trust doesn't matter anymore.
Anyway ive said enough but it all comes from the heart. I'm honest and care too much and am ashamed for my part in the saga but I'm not a horrible person! That's not what's keeping me up all night and staying I'm my mind..it's the hurt, disappointment and the fact that so many of them believe I am this bad nutjob.
Sorry for the length... skip all that doesn't apply (prob most lol)
I appreciate u both for checking in on me and i hope u both are OK too and everyone else i may have upset or changed their view on me or got caught up in it..(sorry again to Rosie)
xx
Edit..had no idea it was that long so no doubt im gonna get stick for that too. Writing out is like therapy for me..always has been though so...
s. A few of my closest friend's are and I always say I want to be in their care should I ever need it and you and Rosie remind me of them. 
and quite possibly you could be doing the same 
and don't forget your bra 
bad egg lol oh no have you a headache to? 
)and let it out the window...no doubt just to run back in 
I wasn’t aware people felt like some were more friendly to others. 