@noseyneighbour
I’m going to repeat what I said on the other thread slightly but in more detail.
I’ve noticed today you’ve been so negative about yourself, feeling as though you’re a burden and that you are causing us grief.
I promise you, none of us have ever thought anything of the sort, you seem like such a lovely kind hearted person, I’ve spoken to you everyday for months apart from when you vanished, I know old habits die hard because he drummed some negative thoughts into your head, but honestly that’s not what people are thinking.
You are just overthinking.
And before you apologise, I don’t want to hear it because there is no need for one.
Put a smile on that face woman, behave yourself with your negative comments about yourself, you are not any of those things
I don't know why but this has made me cry (and yes I feel pathetic saying that..my view)
It's taking me a while to write as a result.
I literally burst into tears...probably because know u are right. My self-esteem is in it's boots and I guess I hide behind joking and trying to be funny to mask it. (As many of us probably do)
I think..for me.. it's a self-protection mechanism I do...i think I do it a lot off group in my life. Like I will say what i think everyone may be thinking so I'm agreeing or owning it..if that makes sense!
I also think because of A's toxic traits...I and prob others are worried they will come across like her so over explain and apologise.
I've been this way for a long time...from my childhood and everything that happened from trauma and the most un-maternal mother! Then staying in that marriage for 20 years..then healing for 5 years, but then ending up in another toxic relationship is just ridiculous. I'm torn tbh cuz I am realising what the last 2 years have done to me, but on the other hand i miss him...which is ridiculous. In a shallow way...i miss the affection and closeness that was there some of the time.
Today..thinking I cudnt get back on group and catastrophising and over reacting...completely threw me. I guess I need the group and you all more than i realised (sobbing again)
The connections made, mutual support and care goes beyond my hate for A.
I guess I need to be liked and accepted more than I realised.
Many would relate to this..but it makes you think..why am I not enough for people to like/love for who I am. To betray...get taken advantage of or wanted for the wrong reasons.
I am def a little do up and I'm very aware of my demons but I am a very genuine, honest and caring person naturally and anyone that knows me would agree. My mouth gets me in trouble sometimes. It just leaves u vulnerable I guess.
All that fing therapy and u are back to square 1. Like what is the thought..the fear...emotion..evidence for feeling that etc etc.. I find it very difficult 'in the moment' to get clarity.
My daughter does a lot for me in a practical sense and loves me in her own way I think.. but can be very critical and brutal and it hurts. She knows I have her back and always has but she is not one for kind words or cuddles. Not sure why. Birthdays and Xmas cards bring me to tears what she says in them (nice things) but she can't articulate them like I can.
I also think he (partner) isolated me from a lot of people so I cud give him everything all the time and now I feel alone. I have some amazing work colleagues/friends of varying ages and they are so supportive and emotionally mature but u just don't want to be a burden. I am always there for all of them too..whether it's advice, a hug, check in messages or examinations lol.
Telling an overthinker not to overthink is never gonna work as u know yourself.
I appreciate you alot and for this message.
It had an instant emotional/physical reaction which I think was the release I probably needed.
I promise everything I say is the truth and from the heart and you are completely right about talking daily for months. We are all anonymous but most of us can seek out the good hearted genuine people on here.
I don't think I have used the word sorry in this rambling message but I have been a pain..panicking and over reacting etc today and i need to own my s.
Anyway...thank you. It really does mean a lot. I've given myself the predictable headache from getting upset but I prob needed a good cry. I have been doing a lot better with regards to him and no contact as the triggers have reduced.
Thank you
xxx
They have taken them to whiston hospital for some reason too
xx
